The Do’s and Don’t’s

Whenever I get asked for parenting advice I often wonder, “are they seriously asking me?” Half the time I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing! So, being the weird, inappropriate, sarcastic person that I am, I thought I’d have a little fun and create a fun list on how to raise a child, and what to expect during the next 18 years, based on my vast wealth of experience. Enjoy!

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1. Before 6 months of age, babies only need breastmilk or formula to keep their bellies full. Puréeing a chicken leg to give to baby to “top off the tank” is not recommended.

It’s also disgusting.

2. After bath time, gently pat dry your baby with a soft towel.

Do not put him in the dryer.

3. No matter how expensive and educational that new toy you ordered is, your kid will only want to play with the box it was shipped in.

4. Your kid could be projectile vomiting and will still ask for a Dorito when he hears you opening the bag.

5. Accept that for at least the next 15 years, everything in your house will be sticky.

6. When preparing for your new baby’s arrival, make a cup of coffee at 6am, take a sip, then spill the rest out because you will never finish an entire cup ever again. Also, say goodbye to showering. Baby wipes are your washcloths now.

7. Telling your 4 year old that running out of fruit snacks is a “first world problem” will not stop her crying.

8. When your kid asks you to play Hide and Seek, make a cup of coffee first, then take it and hide in the closet upstairs in your room. Now you have at least 10 minutes of peace and a hot coffee. You’re welcome.

9. If your kid is given glitter as a gift, immediately throw it out, unless you like picking glitter out of your ass.

10. If your kid runs up to you and frantically asks where you keep the scissors and the duct tape, assume the worst.

11. You’re toddler will ask for a pancake, cry because he doesn’t want the pancake, cry harder when you take away the pancake, then 10 minutes later he’ll ask for a taco. Repeat daily.

12. No one is more thirsty than a preschooler at bedtime.

Their bladders also magically shrink during this time.

13. Prepare for toddlers by attempting to dress an alligator.

14. If your child sees a dog on the corner, she'll remember that experience forever.

She'll also demand you take her back to that same corner every day and cry every damn time because the fucking dog isn't there anymore.

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